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Long distance woes

Hi,

So, about a few weeks ago, I spent two weekends together with a friend, who at the time was on the fence with his estranged boyfriend. One thing led to the other and we were having a wild, romantic, sexy time back at his place in SF. Seeing that he was always on the fence with his boyfriend to begin with, he simply decided to call it quits on the strength of our sexy, wild time. At the moment, he is working in China for the next three months and I am in South America. In any case, we won´t see each other until at least the start of the fall. We´ve been emailing and Skyping ever since our time together. The great thing is that we have this distance between us to keep a few things in check: I am not completely a rebound, though by nature of our hookup, I am a source of comfort (HE broke it off with his bf, so I am not sure whether he needs comfort). If I am looking to develop anything with this guy, is it REALLY going to depend on the degree of communication between each other until
we meet again? Even then, do you think it´s worth trying to keep in touch? Should I voice these concerns (i.e I am NOT your source of comfort, don´t use me as a replacement for your pain, you need to heal on your own). I mean, I really like this guy, and I assume he feels the same way. Though, I also feel that all the communication we´ve had since our encounter is a bit too much at this stage.  I feel that communicating for the sake of “keeping the dream alive” isn’t necessary, when we already know that we do in fact…like each other. I’d prefer if we just keep the emails, Skyping to a mininum, because I am going a bit crazy thinking about how he is doing all the time, what he’s feeling, etc, etc. I don’t need this, but maybe he does. He was with his boyfriend for two years, and now it’s over. What am I to him?It might not be very clear in the midst of all the cuteness and comfort for me, but what do you think? We both definitely can’t wait until the day we have the space and
time to have a great time together. I just don’t believe in long distance relationships (i.e. they seem to prolong what would otherwise die much earlier were two people to actually see each other day in, day out…which is also a concern I have about the nature of emails, Skype. They keep the dream alive, but I also feel that they retain romantic, wild, obsessive compulsive notions that would otherwise DIE a quicker death were two people to actually see each other day in, day out). Anyway, just a few thoughts! Should I voice these concerns?

-Anthony

Hi Anthony,

Oh the long distance relationship. I did that once and it fell apart. You are completely right in your feelings in a long distance relationship. Plus, it sounds like this guy is really infatuated with you. And that’s a normal feeling to have with someone you like, but like I’ve experienced and seen so many times before, the faster you fall in love, the faster you fall out of love.  You should express you want to slowdown. By not telling him why you’re being distant it could just make things awkward or more painful. Tell him you want space. Tell him you want him to go out and get laid and not wait by the webcam for you.

I think for him, you are a comfort, but not in a way you may think. He’s looking to fill a void and you fill that dark hole for him. Luckily, you’re not balls deep it seems. So I’d suggest pulling out slowly and just taking it easy with him. Just as he may be over-infatuated with you, he could easily fall out of this infatuation and hurt you in the process (like, saying he’s met someone else and breaks up with you via text message because he’s too “busy” to tell you, but I digress). You two are already some 3,000+ miles apart. Take the next step to distance yourselves emotionally, but don’t be mean about it. And after all, it’ll give you two a chance to really know one another on a friend-only level and when you’re back in the same spot you two can decide for yourself where you want to go next.

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  1. Jesse
    July 24, 2010 at 11:19

    “He’s looking to fill a void and you fill that dark hole for him. Luckily, you’re not balls deep it seems. So I’d suggest pulling out slowly and just taking it easy with him.”

    Very funny, M.

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