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Happy some of the time

Hello Micahceous!

Here is the deal. I found a REALLY fantastic guy. He cooks and cleans and he treats me really great! Now here is the problem…….I’m not happy about 40% of the time, but who is happy all the time, right?!?!?!, I’m not sure what it is. We moved in together about 9 months ago and he more than carries his weight with expenses and household duties, I’m attracted to him and genuinely feel as though I love him. Something is missing though. I’m a communicater and he isn’t so I thought that may be it but I’m not sure. I am tired of having the communication talk though, but is that enough to break up with someone?

We don’t fuss, fight or even argue. We have good sex and I’m attracted to him. We actually honestly LOVE each other but is that enough? Doesn’t it take more? I have a friend who says if you ask any divorced couple why they got married they will say “because we were in LOVE”….. We are always very polite, pleasant and respectful towards each other and that makes me think I’m crazy to be thinking about leaving him. Who leaves a set up like that, right?!?!?!?!

I also feel like I would be pulling the rug from under him if I left him. He has come out of the closet to his family during our time together. He didn’t come out for me but it was something that was a point of contention for us early on (me being out and him not). I told him to do it for him and not for me and to do it when he was ready. He came out a few months ago to them and although they have seen each other they haven’t really talked about it and I feel like he needs me. I wonder about where he would go, what would he do. In our time together my friends have sort of taken him in as well because his friends are kind of non-existent (he has friends but they are not as quick to assist in a jam like my friends are). I find myself in two different relationships: The one he sees and I portray and then the one going on in my head……..On one hand I am the good boyfriend, kissing him when I come and go and saying the “I love you’s” where appropriate but in my head I sometimes wonder
how I can leave and not hurt him. Then after thinking those thoughts I wonder “is it me?” why do you want to leave a seemingly perfect relationship. He loves you, you love him, he has come out the closet, he takes fantastic care of you etc…..

Help! going crazy over here!!!

-Almost Perfect

Dear Almost Perfect,

Being unhappy 40% of the time is a lot of time. Think of it this way: if planes crashed 40% of the time you wouldn’t ride them, right? Oh and for the record, I’m happy a good 99% of the time (that 1% being when I find out I should’ve waited a week before buying that shirt since it went on sale).

It sounds like you have a large sense of guilt and feel like it’s your duty for him to be dependent on you. And that’s simply not the case. You do not have that sort of responsibility and in the end it’s up to the individual to make themselves happy. It’s entirely possible that you’re not ready for this “seemingly perfect” relationship. Things can sound great on paper but not be for you. It happens. So don’t think you have to stay because it’s seems like a perfect relationship, because obviously with you being unhappy a whopping 40% of the time, it’s not perfect.

In the end, only you can make yourself happy. Life’s too short to be unhappy 40% of the time. If you genuinely want to leave him, then you should. And it doesn’t have to be a vindictive move. You can still be there for him but in a different role. He’ll hurt but he’s not a newborn baby. He’s gotten this far in life, surely he can keep going. And you still care about the guy so I don’t see why you can’t still be an active part of his life, just not in the romantic role. You’ll make the right move and there may be tears and awkwardness at first, but in the end you’ll both be happy. You can be happy a lot more than 60% of the time and he can find someone who is happy full-time too. Win-win. Break it off. Just don’t do it over text.

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  1. Jesse
    July 31, 2010 at 10:05

    It also sounds like there could be a lack of romanticism in this relationship. You focus on household chores and saying “I Love You,” but are both people pulling their weight, romantically? Do you compliment each other on your looks, personal achievements, etc.? Do you still go out on romantic dates or vacations? These sorts of things add up, and the lack of them can make romantic interest decline.

  2. Daniel
    August 2, 2010 at 07:56

    Good advice!

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