Hi true believers! Sorry it has been such a long time since we last spoke. The new year has ushered in some new changes. But some things will never change. I think Valentine’s Day brings out weird traits in people. or maybe it’s year-round, I’m not sure. On separate occasions I’ve asked friends if they wanted to hang out. Granted, these aren’t close-knit friends. These are more acquaintances, the outer circle if you will. How about when every time I asked them to hang, the response was “I’m not looking to date” or words to that effect? I’m asking to grab a beer with you, not for your hand in marriage. Don’t flatter yourself. It’s such a dismissive mentality. And really what is that person really trying to say? Do they only hang with folks they date? If so, then they’re going to have a lonely and boring life. And where does that leave someone like me? now why would i want to hang out with someone who was dismissive, thinking I only wanted to date? Now if we ever do hang out you’re probably going to think I’m going to keep trying to get into your pants. And that’s lame.
Plus it also makes me wonder how that person sees themselves when they look in the mirror. Chill out Narcissus. If you’re so in love with how you look in the mirror then keep looking at yourself. I’ll go find someone who actually enjoys my company as a friend. Not everyone is out to screw you. You may think you’re hot shit but you may just be cold diarrhea. Take a bite of humble pie.
To my readers: don’t be so dismissive so soon. You may lose out on making a lasting friendship and connection.
Dear Cary Blackshaw,
So, I’m in love with my best friend. I know this is a common occurrence among gay friends, so hopefully you have some ready-made advice. At first, I wasn’t interested in him romantically, but as the years have passed and I’ve realized how amazing he is, I find myself pining away for him. I don’t have any other close friends, and I love how he makes me feel loved, appreciated, and worthy of his time. He is the only person in the world with whom I truly feel 100% comfortable just being myself. Based on some of his actions, I have my suspicions that he may feel the same towards me, or at least has some feelings for me. I honestly feel we’re perfect for each other, but I’m scared of approaching the issue with him because if he isn’t of the same mindset, I don’t want to lose the best friend I’ve ever had in my life. We have so much fun together and he means the world to me. It will sound silly, but I really don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else who makes me feel the way he does.
What should I do?
In Love With My Best Friend
Hi In Love,
Your situation reminds me of that Whitney Houston/Stevie wonder song “We didn’t know.” If you don’t know it, I highly recommend you look it up; it’s from her I’m your baby tonight album (so pre-crack). But basically it’s about two friends who didn’t realize they loved one another. And based on what you’re telling me, it’s quite possible the feeling’s mutual. However, there is that possibility that he’s completely oblivious to it all (some people really can’t see what’s staring in front of them), but again, I’m thinking that’s probably not the case.
As the old saying goes, “a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts” That’s right, get him drunk. Not wasted, just pretty tipsy so the tongue starts spewing things. And do it somewhere fairly public, like at a wine bar or a cozy restaurant. I recommend red wine (my favorite is Port and yes it’s a dessert wine but I don’t care, it’s delicious). Just talk and see where it leads. By having it in a public setting, it means that if something said piques your interest, you won’t be tempted to jump his bones right then and there, and we can’t have that. Just take it slow, but above all, be yourself. Of course that’s a double bind; how can you tell someone to be themselves when the act of being yourself is just that? But we won’t get Zen on this. Just do you.