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Posts Tagged ‘relationship’

What’s your status?

September 17, 2010 Leave a comment

What is your status? No not that kind of status. I’m talking about the Facebook relationship status. I was listening to the radio the other morning (Elvis Duran) and this girl called in saying how she was upset that her high school boyfriend went to college and changed his status from saying “in a relationship” to being completely blank. Before we all say “they’re gonna break up by second semester!”, let’s hold back on second. I know some of my friends swear by facebook relationship status thing. They even go as far as to make their profile pictures of them and their new love all lovey dovey in a pose to elicit  awes from friends and family, because that’s what all their single friends are dying to see. Butwhen is this just not a good idea? or better yet, why do we care? The response was mixed. Some thought the guy was obviously cheating and some thought the girl was nuts psycho to even bring it up and think her relationship is in jeopardy because a social networking site told her that  her boyfriend was not in or not in a relationship with her.

My philosophy has always been of the type that it’s no one’s business. The folks who know me well know if I’m dating someone; why make it public on facebook? It’s on a need to know basis. If you don’t know I’m seeing someone, then obviously we aren’t that close. It’s almost a form of PDA, and as someone who doesn’t partake in PDA unless I’m obscenely drunk, I just don’t get the point of putting on my facebook that I’m dating someone. I don’t push my relationships on my friends so don’t push it on me.I have and continue to leave that segment of my life blank. I’ve thought of changing it, but honestly, facebook is not a tool for me to find dates. Okay, that’s a lie. But I’m not going to advertise that I’m on the internet meat rack, ready to be eaten alive.

So to review: if you see me out with someone fine and we’re dating, don’t try to start something because my facebook status says otherwise. It’s none of your damn business who I do the late night creep with, and it’s none of my business what you do either.  And for the record, I am single so this doesn’t apply. I’m just sayin’.

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Categories: column Tags: ,

3’s a Crowd

July 30, 2010 1 comment

So, I need help!

I have been dating this guy for over 10 months now and the chemistry is  great and we found ourselves deeply in love early into our time  together. We both love each other dearly, deeply, immensely… But he  wants our relationship to be open. He was upfront about this so it’s not  like he twisted my arm. I have never been in one but because I really  liked him (in the beginning) I thought I’d be open about and see if it  something that I could do. He wanted this status because he doesn’t like  to feel “boxed in” or “tied to” just one person. He claims that  encounters would just be a fuck – nothing more. He is on several  websites but hasn’t had much luck. He introduced me to the idea of  3somes/4somes, swapping.. and again, I wanted to be open so i tried it.  Not my thing. To cut to the chase, I am at the point where I fully  realizing that this behavior is not for me and he has clearly said he  will not be exclusive with me. He argues that he loves me and that doing  these things won’t change
things. He feels that I am being selfish and greedy for wanting more than what he can offer.
What is your take on this?

-Trinity

Dear Trinity,

Open relationships aren’t for everyone. And some argue that it dilutes any trust or bonds two people share. It’s really between the couple in my opinion and if there’s a break in communication then it needs to be stressed what you want. Don’t stay in a situation that will make you unhappy. And if a guy is telling you he doesn’t want to be tied down to one woman, then he doesn’t want a relationship. He just wants to fuck around. And there’s nothing wrong with that but you and him should be honest about what you both want. Don’t be afraid to walk away. I think he’s being greedy and selfish for not respecting your position. And if he’s unwilling to bend, then he’s immature and not worth your time.

If you really wanna keep him, tell him that it can be open but under your rules. This can include only having 3somes or more if both of you are present (as opposed to him being able to sleep with anyone he pleases) or you can do the coup de grace and tell him your needs aren’t met and that you want a MMF 3some. In addition, tell him that it’d really get you off if you saw him take it up the ass from another guy. This could drive a guy to be so stubborn as to end this whole open relationship mumbo jumbo. But be aware that this could backfire. If he says he’s more than willing, or is even excited about that prospect, congratulations. You’re dating a gay man.

Categories: advice Tags: ,

Happy some of the time

July 30, 2010 2 comments

Hello Micahceous!

Here is the deal. I found a REALLY fantastic guy. He cooks and cleans and he treats me really great! Now here is the problem…….I’m not happy about 40% of the time, but who is happy all the time, right?!?!?!, I’m not sure what it is. We moved in together about 9 months ago and he more than carries his weight with expenses and household duties, I’m attracted to him and genuinely feel as though I love him. Something is missing though. I’m a communicater and he isn’t so I thought that may be it but I’m not sure. I am tired of having the communication talk though, but is that enough to break up with someone?

We don’t fuss, fight or even argue. We have good sex and I’m attracted to him. We actually honestly LOVE each other but is that enough? Doesn’t it take more? I have a friend who says if you ask any divorced couple why they got married they will say “because we were in LOVE”….. We are always very polite, pleasant and respectful towards each other and that makes me think I’m crazy to be thinking about leaving him. Who leaves a set up like that, right?!?!?!?!

I also feel like I would be pulling the rug from under him if I left him. He has come out of the closet to his family during our time together. He didn’t come out for me but it was something that was a point of contention for us early on (me being out and him not). I told him to do it for him and not for me and to do it when he was ready. He came out a few months ago to them and although they have seen each other they haven’t really talked about it and I feel like he needs me. I wonder about where he would go, what would he do. In our time together my friends have sort of taken him in as well because his friends are kind of non-existent (he has friends but they are not as quick to assist in a jam like my friends are). I find myself in two different relationships: The one he sees and I portray and then the one going on in my head……..On one hand I am the good boyfriend, kissing him when I come and go and saying the “I love you’s” where appropriate but in my head I sometimes wonder
how I can leave and not hurt him. Then after thinking those thoughts I wonder “is it me?” why do you want to leave a seemingly perfect relationship. He loves you, you love him, he has come out the closet, he takes fantastic care of you etc…..

Help! going crazy over here!!!

-Almost Perfect

Dear Almost Perfect,

Being unhappy 40% of the time is a lot of time. Think of it this way: if planes crashed 40% of the time you wouldn’t ride them, right? Oh and for the record, I’m happy a good 99% of the time (that 1% being when I find out I should’ve waited a week before buying that shirt since it went on sale).

It sounds like you have a large sense of guilt and feel like it’s your duty for him to be dependent on you. And that’s simply not the case. You do not have that sort of responsibility and in the end it’s up to the individual to make themselves happy. It’s entirely possible that you’re not ready for this “seemingly perfect” relationship. Things can sound great on paper but not be for you. It happens. So don’t think you have to stay because it’s seems like a perfect relationship, because obviously with you being unhappy a whopping 40% of the time, it’s not perfect.

In the end, only you can make yourself happy. Life’s too short to be unhappy 40% of the time. If you genuinely want to leave him, then you should. And it doesn’t have to be a vindictive move. You can still be there for him but in a different role. He’ll hurt but he’s not a newborn baby. He’s gotten this far in life, surely he can keep going. And you still care about the guy so I don’t see why you can’t still be an active part of his life, just not in the romantic role. You’ll make the right move and there may be tears and awkwardness at first, but in the end you’ll both be happy. You can be happy a lot more than 60% of the time and he can find someone who is happy full-time too. Win-win. Break it off. Just don’t do it over text.

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Love=Coke

Addicted to love? Study shows link between romantic rejection and cocaine cravings in brain

Since I write about dating so much, this seemed like a great avenue to share this information. I read the article and thought to myself, “if a breakup is like a coke addiction, then its okay to become really angry over the littlest of things. ” That explains the punch in the wall after your ex wouldn’t give you back your stuff. Does it explain stalking too? Well, paranoia is a trait of cocaine addiction and stalking certainly does fall into paranoia on some levels. Not to justify stalking, but now things are starting to make a tad bit more sense. And for those that like arse, then is a breakup like a crack addiction? And if it is like crack, is it eighteen times worse than a non crack breakup? Better than 100 times, but still, it may not be the same as a cocaine withdrawal.

Maybe Ke$ha was right. Maybe your love is her drug. Literally. Without it she’ll get jittery.

(For the record, I can’t stand Ke$ha and hope to never reference her again in this column.)

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Just Friends?

Micahceous,

I recently ditched my long-distance, on-again-off-again lover for a more  compatible and more convenient relationship in the same city, but he  still wants to maintain a friendship even though I know he still has  feelings for me.  Can ex-lovers be just friends?

~Hall

Hi Hall,

I assume a friendship would be limited to instant messaging and seeing pics of your tongue down your new beau on facebook. Before we delve into this further, what makes you so sure your ex is still into you? Unless your ex has told you repeatedly they want to get back together, don’t assume. Do you assume it’s because you did the breaking up and they want to remain friends? Your ex may just want to stay friends cause he semi-enjoys your ramblings and he wants a couch to sleep on and a place to slide his member into when he’s visiting your city. He may not be seeking anything other than that. If he is still into you, then you need to ask yourself what you want. Do you want to be able to call him the minute you and your new lover have a fight to dangle a carrot in front of his face?  Is there a secret desire on your part to get back together? This brings me to my next point: Are you over your ex? You pose that your ex isn’t over you but it could very well be the other way around. If not, then maybe you should get out of the convenient relationship you’re in now so you can stop and think; its okay to sleep alone. If you’re over him and don’t have a desire to get back together, then certainly you and your ex can arrange a way to be just friends. Ask yourself this: “If my ex were to live in the same city as me, would I get out of my relationship to be with him?” If the answer’s yes, then you and your ex can’t be “just friends.” You’ll still have that desire and would need to be honest with yourself about the best course of action.

So can ex-lovers be just friends? Yes. But it requires all parties to be honest about what they want and what they expect.

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Long distance woes

July 23, 2010 1 comment

Hi,

So, about a few weeks ago, I spent two weekends together with a friend, who at the time was on the fence with his estranged boyfriend. One thing led to the other and we were having a wild, romantic, sexy time back at his place in SF. Seeing that he was always on the fence with his boyfriend to begin with, he simply decided to call it quits on the strength of our sexy, wild time. At the moment, he is working in China for the next three months and I am in South America. In any case, we won´t see each other until at least the start of the fall. We´ve been emailing and Skyping ever since our time together. The great thing is that we have this distance between us to keep a few things in check: I am not completely a rebound, though by nature of our hookup, I am a source of comfort (HE broke it off with his bf, so I am not sure whether he needs comfort). If I am looking to develop anything with this guy, is it REALLY going to depend on the degree of communication between each other until
we meet again? Even then, do you think it´s worth trying to keep in touch? Should I voice these concerns (i.e I am NOT your source of comfort, don´t use me as a replacement for your pain, you need to heal on your own). I mean, I really like this guy, and I assume he feels the same way. Though, I also feel that all the communication we´ve had since our encounter is a bit too much at this stage.  I feel that communicating for the sake of “keeping the dream alive” isn’t necessary, when we already know that we do in fact…like each other. I’d prefer if we just keep the emails, Skyping to a mininum, because I am going a bit crazy thinking about how he is doing all the time, what he’s feeling, etc, etc. I don’t need this, but maybe he does. He was with his boyfriend for two years, and now it’s over. What am I to him?It might not be very clear in the midst of all the cuteness and comfort for me, but what do you think? We both definitely can’t wait until the day we have the space and
time to have a great time together. I just don’t believe in long distance relationships (i.e. they seem to prolong what would otherwise die much earlier were two people to actually see each other day in, day out…which is also a concern I have about the nature of emails, Skype. They keep the dream alive, but I also feel that they retain romantic, wild, obsessive compulsive notions that would otherwise DIE a quicker death were two people to actually see each other day in, day out). Anyway, just a few thoughts! Should I voice these concerns?

-Anthony

Hi Anthony,

Oh the long distance relationship. I did that once and it fell apart. You are completely right in your feelings in a long distance relationship. Plus, it sounds like this guy is really infatuated with you. And that’s a normal feeling to have with someone you like, but like I’ve experienced and seen so many times before, the faster you fall in love, the faster you fall out of love.  You should express you want to slowdown. By not telling him why you’re being distant it could just make things awkward or more painful. Tell him you want space. Tell him you want him to go out and get laid and not wait by the webcam for you.

I think for him, you are a comfort, but not in a way you may think. He’s looking to fill a void and you fill that dark hole for him. Luckily, you’re not balls deep it seems. So I’d suggest pulling out slowly and just taking it easy with him. Just as he may be over-infatuated with you, he could easily fall out of this infatuation and hurt you in the process (like, saying he’s met someone else and breaks up with you via text message because he’s too “busy” to tell you, but I digress). You two are already some 3,000+ miles apart. Take the next step to distance yourselves emotionally, but don’t be mean about it. And after all, it’ll give you two a chance to really know one another on a friend-only level and when you’re back in the same spot you two can decide for yourself where you want to go next.

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Stay with the Nice Guy?

July 20, 2010 1 comment

Dear WHOEVER you are lol!

I have been dating a guy for just over two years now. We have lived together for about half of that time. He is the sweetest, kindest, cutest guy I have ever met. However, Im still not ready to fully commit to him. He wants to have more and continue to move forward and I’m hesitant. I just don’t know if he is the one. I feel horrible because he takes such great care of me but he can do the smallest thing and it irritates the hell out of me. I don’t know what to do. Am I a horrible person? Should I stay and stick it out with the “good guy”? HEEEEELP!!

Blaine

Dear Blaine,

By the way, I’m Micahceous. You’re dating a guy that is your “in case of emergency break glass” guy. This guy should never be dated. Why? This sort of person was built to be a rebound, someone you can rely on but not have anything too serious with lest you confuse things. They’re great company and perhaps you met him at a point when it was convenient for you to be with him. You turned your “in case of emergency break glass” guy into a boyfriend, one of two years even.  What’s the problem with dating this guy? You won’t ever be completely satisfied. He’s the emergency guy because he does sound so good and does treat you well, but there will always be something missing with the emergency guy. You even suggested he may not be the one. Guess what? If you have doubts to if he is or isn’t the one, then he AIN’T the one. Cut your losses, tell him it’s you and not him and go your separate paths before it’s too late. If you don’t leave now, then feelings and furniture will be broken and it’s just not worth it. If you can’t please yourself, who can you please?

I dare not ask what he does that irritates you but if he smacks his food when he chews then that’s an instant deal-breaker.

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