Dear Cary Blackshaw,
I’m a hardcore liberal democrat. I know a person who is a hard core conservative republican and we have nothing in common. However, we have hooked up many times and it is the best sex of my life. Why is it that I’m having the hottest, most mind blowing, toe curling sex ever with someone I can’t stand otherwise? Do republicans just secretly wish to be dominated?
Blue in Arizona
Hi there Blue,
First of all, so sorry for being MIA. Secondly, I must talk politics with you. I’m sure you’ve noticed with the latest debt talks and all how Republicans can be. They aren’t lovey dovey. They are in your face crazy stubborn borderline fools. Which, as a liberal, is the opposite of you. And as humans, we’re attracted to these individuals who are our polar opposites. I’m sure you’ve seen it in TV shows where the two diametrically opposed forces are also bed-mates (I’m looking at you Jessie and Slater from Saved by the Bell!). Is it sustainable? Probably not because you do need more of a connection. But in the meantime I say go for it!
So, I need help!
I have been dating this guy for over 10 months now and the chemistry is great and we found ourselves deeply in love early into our time together. We both love each other dearly, deeply, immensely… But he wants our relationship to be open. He was upfront about this so it’s not like he twisted my arm. I have never been in one but because I really liked him (in the beginning) I thought I’d be open about and see if it something that I could do. He wanted this status because he doesn’t like to feel “boxed in” or “tied to” just one person. He claims that encounters would just be a fuck – nothing more. He is on several websites but hasn’t had much luck. He introduced me to the idea of 3somes/4somes, swapping.. and again, I wanted to be open so i tried it. Not my thing. To cut to the chase, I am at the point where I fully realizing that this behavior is not for me and he has clearly said he will not be exclusive with me. He argues that he loves me and that doing these things won’t change
things. He feels that I am being selfish and greedy for wanting more than what he can offer.
What is your take on this?
Open relationships aren’t for everyone. And some argue that it dilutes any trust or bonds two people share. It’s really between the couple in my opinion and if there’s a break in communication then it needs to be stressed what you want. Don’t stay in a situation that will make you unhappy. And if a guy is telling you he doesn’t want to be tied down to one woman, then he doesn’t want a relationship. He just wants to fuck around. And there’s nothing wrong with that but you and him should be honest about what you both want. Don’t be afraid to walk away. I think he’s being greedy and selfish for not respecting your position. And if he’s unwilling to bend, then he’s immature and not worth your time.
If you really wanna keep him, tell him that it can be open but under your rules. This can include only having 3somes or more if both of you are present (as opposed to him being able to sleep with anyone he pleases) or you can do the coup de grace and tell him your needs aren’t met and that you want a MMF 3some. In addition, tell him that it’d really get you off if you saw him take it up the ass from another guy. This could drive a guy to be so stubborn as to end this whole open relationship mumbo jumbo. But be aware that this could backfire. If he says he’s more than willing, or is even excited about that prospect, congratulations. You’re dating a gay man.
Um, I am a straight female, that is dating a, purported, straight man, yet he never wants to have sex! WTH is up with that?
-You know me
Dear You Know Me,
A straight man that doesn’t want sex? That’s quite a unicorn! I can see the glitter spewing out now. This reminds me of that Sex and the City episode when Charlotte started dating a guy that was purportedly a sex addict but then was later discovered to be on antidepressants, suppressing his sexual appetite much to the dismay of Charlotte. Here’s the problem many straight men make. They assume that because they think or hear that women like romance and don’t wanna hop in the sack that it’s good to be sensitive and not demand sex. But to be honest, women want to get rammed just as much as the next person. So if your man is buying into this mythos that women don’t like to be bent over and given a little smack of the ass, then you need to shake him of it.
Here’s an idea. Put on a tight short dress that hugs your body just right. Show up at his place, get him all warmed up and tell him he can hit it from the back any way that he likes. If he still insists on not having sex, then you have to decide if he’s for you. Not that sex should be the basis of a relationship, but it’s important and if you’re not feeling fulfilled you either need to deal with this flaw in your relationship or move on from him. I’m sure you can find plenty of guys to feed your carnal lust. Also, maybe you two should try something new to spice things up, like having sex in the ball pit of a Chuck E. Cheese. Maybe your guy is adverse to the bedroom. Be bold, be daring, I’m sure you have it in you, or want some of it in you anyway.
On a side note, if you really want to stay with him but the sex is lacking, suggest an open relationship. Relationships are about compromise and if he isn’t willing to satisfy you he needs to recognize that you may need to get it from someone else, especially if he isn’t going to change his behavior. Plus the suggestion alone may make him change his ways, especially if you’re serious about it.