The red sex

Dear Cary Blackshaw,
I’m a hardcore liberal democrat. I know a person who is a hard core conservative republican and we have nothing in common. However, we have hooked up many times and it is the best sex of my life. Why is it that I’m having the hottest, most mind blowing, toe curling sex ever with someone I can’t stand otherwise? Do republicans just secretly wish to be dominated?
Blue in Arizona

Hi there Blue,

First of all, so sorry for being MIA. Secondly, I must talk politics with you. I’m sure you’ve noticed with the latest debt talks and all how Republicans can be. They aren’t lovey dovey. They are in your face crazy stubborn borderline fools. Which, as a liberal, is the opposite of you.  And as humans, we’re attracted to these individuals who are our polar opposites. I’m sure you’ve seen it in TV shows where the two diametrically opposed forces are also bed-mates (I’m looking at you Jessie and Slater from Saved by the Bell!). Is it sustainable? Probably not because you do need more of a connection. But in the meantime I say go for it!

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Safe & Sound

My thoughts are prayers to those affected by the earthquake in Japan and the surrounding areas.




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Not looking to date

February 18, 2011 Leave a comment

Hi true believers! Sorry it has been such a long time since we last spoke. The new year has ushered in some new changes. But some things will never change. I think Valentine’s Day brings out weird traits in people. or maybe it’s year-round, I’m not sure. On separate occasions I’ve asked friends if they wanted to hang out. Granted, these aren’t close-knit friends. These are more acquaintances, the outer circle if you will. How about when every time I asked them to hang, the response was “I’m not looking to date” or words to that effect? I’m asking to grab a beer with you, not for your hand in marriage. Don’t flatter yourself. It’s such a dismissive mentality. And really what is that person really trying to say? Do they only hang with folks they date? If so, then they’re going to have a lonely and boring life.  And where does that leave someone like me? now why would i want to hang out with someone who was dismissive, thinking I only wanted to date? Now if we ever do hang out you’re probably going to think I’m going to keep trying to get into your pants. And that’s lame.

Plus it also makes me wonder how that person sees themselves when they look in the mirror. Chill out Narcissus. If you’re so in love with how you look in the mirror then keep looking at yourself. I’ll go find someone who actually enjoys my company as a friend. Not everyone is out to screw you. You may think you’re hot shit but you may just be cold diarrhea. Take a bite of humble pie.


To my readers: don’t be so dismissive so soon. You may lose out on making a lasting friendship and connection.

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Can Do Better

November 18, 2010 Leave a comment

I recently discovered a new website while listening to the Elvis Duran Morning Show. Have you ever seen your friend and  his or her new mate and thought “he/she can do so much better”? Well, there’s a website out there for you called It’s kind of like hot or not from back in the day but even more fun! The only problem I have come across is that the site only does heterosexual matches; there isn’t an option to see same-sex match ups. Maybe I’ll have ot invent my own. Tell your friends! And maybe even have them posted up so the world can see if your friend can or can’t do better.

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Best two out of three

October 27, 2010 Leave a comment


I believe this diagram summarizes the majority of my dating experience, particularly as of late. So sad, but so true. Can you relate?

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Buddy Crush

Dear Cary Blackshaw,

So, I’m in love with my best friend.  I know this is a common occurrence among gay friends, so hopefully you have some ready-made advice.  At first, I wasn’t interested in him romantically, but as the years have passed and I’ve realized how amazing he is, I find myself pining away for him.  I don’t have any other close friends, and I love how he makes me feel loved, appreciated, and worthy of his time.  He is the only person in the world with whom I truly feel 100% comfortable just being myself.  Based on some of his actions, I have my suspicions that he may feel the same towards me, or at least has some feelings for me.  I honestly feel we’re perfect for each other, but I’m scared of approaching the issue with him because if he isn’t of the same mindset, I don’t want to lose the best friend I’ve ever had in my life.  We have so much fun together and he means the world to me.  It will sound silly, but I really don’t think I’ll ever find anyone else who makes me feel the way he does.
What should I do?

In Love With My Best Friend

Hi In Love,

Your situation reminds me of that Whitney Houston/Stevie wonder song “We didn’t know.” If you don’t know it, I highly recommend you look it up; it’s from her I’m your baby tonight album (so pre-crack). But basically it’s about two friends who didn’t realize they loved one another. And based on what you’re telling me, it’s quite possible the feeling’s mutual. However, there is that possibility that he’s completely  oblivious to it all (some people really can’t see what’s staring in front of them), but again, I’m thinking that’s probably not the case.

As the old saying goes, “a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts” That’s right, get him drunk. Not wasted, just pretty tipsy so the tongue starts spewing things. And do it somewhere fairly public, like at a wine bar or a cozy restaurant. I recommend red wine (my favorite is Port and yes it’s a dessert wine but I don’t care, it’s delicious). Just talk and see where it leads. By having it in a public setting, it means that if something said piques your interest, you won’t be tempted to jump his bones right then and there, and we can’t have that. Just take it slow, but above all, be yourself. Of course that’s a double bind; how can you tell someone to be themselves when the act of being yourself is just that? But we won’t get Zen on this. Just do you.

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What’s your status?

September 17, 2010 Leave a comment

What is your status? No not that kind of status. I’m talking about the Facebook relationship status. I was listening to the radio the other morning (Elvis Duran) and this girl called in saying how she was upset that her high school boyfriend went to college and changed his status from saying “in a relationship” to being completely blank. Before we all say “they’re gonna break up by second semester!”, let’s hold back on second. I know some of my friends swear by facebook relationship status thing. They even go as far as to make their profile pictures of them and their new love all lovey dovey in a pose to elicit  awes from friends and family, because that’s what all their single friends are dying to see. Butwhen is this just not a good idea? or better yet, why do we care? The response was mixed. Some thought the guy was obviously cheating and some thought the girl was nuts psycho to even bring it up and think her relationship is in jeopardy because a social networking site told her that  her boyfriend was not in or not in a relationship with her.

My philosophy has always been of the type that it’s no one’s business. The folks who know me well know if I’m dating someone; why make it public on facebook? It’s on a need to know basis. If you don’t know I’m seeing someone, then obviously we aren’t that close. It’s almost a form of PDA, and as someone who doesn’t partake in PDA unless I’m obscenely drunk, I just don’t get the point of putting on my facebook that I’m dating someone. I don’t push my relationships on my friends so don’t push it on me.I have and continue to leave that segment of my life blank. I’ve thought of changing it, but honestly, facebook is not a tool for me to find dates. Okay, that’s a lie. But I’m not going to advertise that I’m on the internet meat rack, ready to be eaten alive.

So to review: if you see me out with someone fine and we’re dating, don’t try to start something because my facebook status says otherwise. It’s none of your damn business who I do the late night creep with, and it’s none of my business what you do either.  And for the record, I am single so this doesn’t apply. I’m just sayin’.

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